It isn't proper...

Exhaustion

nobody@vox.com(Bouche) — Fri, 16 May 2008 00:04:30 -0400

I function well when I'm exhausted.

I'm not taking "about to die exhausted", just the level where you're more in tune with how your muscles don't want to fight gravity any longer. How there's a weight on your eyelid that seems to want to keep it shut. Quiet contemplative thoughts, scrambling for where I left off and who I needed to help next. It was a juggling act. It felt like too much and I didn't do perfect, but I'm proud for doing what I got done.

I'm pissed about thinking I lost my checking card. I'm pissed that I had to jump through my banks hoops to put a hold on my accounts and scrambling to figure out if there are any automated payments that might bounce. I wasn't thrilled about the little sniper calls from people who chipmunked my number away for when they need my help (because my phone's ring makes me jump) but I didn't show it. I got over it and I made them happy. They have other people's email address and phone numbers, other people that could hook them up with me, but they like the source and while this sounds cocky "I can't say I blame them". I fought my away around, I got my answers, I know who to go to when I need something that's out my grasp. Most of the time I'm about results and who shouldn't be proud of that. I'm not crazy with saying no. I don't mop myself into corners by doing -everything- someones way -- sometimes I can cut straight to the heart with an email and avoid begging, pleading, tone of voice, and strange reasoning ... When I sense "emotion flags", I love communicating through email. Just tell me your problem, I don't need the "puppy" act.

I'm happy I got some more work done on our system and got more positive feed back. I like feeling like what I do is ultimately beneficial. I hope in some way the things I do can make a difference.

I'm happy I got to spend time with my sister. I'm relieved that we had some time to talk and make light of everything that irks us. I'm proud of acting goofy and making her and my neice laugh.

Finally, I'm excited I get to sleep now. despite the bug to do more "stuff", to have "fun", and browse around... I need to recharge! Night people!

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I should be sleeping... BUT...

nobody@vox.com(Bouche) — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 01:24:46 -0400

I just sit here staring blankly. I think I'm tired. I must be if I'm confused about it. Right?

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These fricken aches...

nobody@vox.com(Bouche) — Sun, 11 Feb 2007 01:55:11 -0500

Don't you hate waking up in the morning after having slept in a funky ass position? I do. Why the hell is it that from time to time, we sleep in ways that cause numb hands (or arms) or feet. It's so strange that sometimes, after I wake up, I could probably drive my hand into a concrete wall without feeling a thing for a short while... I especially dislike waking up in the middle of the night with it. Unfortunately, I didn't wake up Saturday morning with that tingly numb sensation, instead I woke up and have lived most of this say unable to turn my head left without feeling a bit of pain. Did I dream up an order of whiplash? Why is it that when something like this happens, you find you're always looking left? Perhaps just as bad as this are the times I get into bed and my lower legs aches or I have cold feet. I find it practically impossible to sleep with cold feet! Nevermind me, I've just been annoyed with this pain in my neck all day long.

Son of a Bush (Bonus DVD)

Public Enemy

To the left is an MP3 I listened to previous to the last election...Just found it on one of the many discs I've burned. I can't believe looking back I actually burned a politically themed disc to listen to. Heh.

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Crappy Friday

nobody@vox.com(Bouche) — Fri, 20 Oct 2006 23:35:40 -0400

I went to bed earlier than I usually do. I was online, feeling crappy for various reasons... Not physically ill, just was unhappy with life and I think it manifested itself in a strong urge to sleep...

...14 hours later, I woke up. Could this be payback for years of insomnia? The opposite of insomnia? Non awakey-itis?

I woke up into another day of rain. Another cold upstate NY day where I can't go out for a long thought clearing walk. I could go if I bundled up, but I wasn't in the mood for that and for the past few days, it's poured, not rained. The type of heavy rain that didn't spare anything dry. The kind of downpour that found its what into everything. A few weeks ago, I bought a $17 umbrella -- that would have done the trick but I accidentally left it in my sisters SUV and it's been missing from her car and my possession ever since.

I got to the convenience store today and checked my checking account balance. It was under $100 and seeing it made me nervous. It's times like these where every expense, except coffee, is scrutinized. Where I spend enough time pondering if I should get something to eat, then all of a sudden, I get disgusted and just settle for ramen or mac and cheese, both foods I FUCKING hate. That's all hunger is. If you eat what you're sick of, the body doesn't care. It will still use what it needs for energy and turn the rest to fat. In the previous instances, it most likely turns that crap into fat!

The other day, one of the temp agencies that knows I'm desperate and will do almost anything for money called. I didn't return their call until a while later, so I missed a day job but they had another thing up their sleeves to offer me. A job as an administrators assistant, filing, typing, taking calls, and making coffee? I don't know, but they added fast paced and other terms that sweetened the deal. I hesitated for a moment because I remember this type of work was offered to me before. They had me come in and take these stupid java based exams that were limited to the creators imagination and didn't allow for some of the methods of doing things that I do... The results were not perfect and there for, they decided not to pass my resume on. I told her I wasn't interested and she said "you're not interested in this type of work?" and I said "not really". This reminded me of the conversation where I discussed what type of work I was interested in and she responded that this company has a subsidiary that is more suitable for me and she'd pass my resume on. Is it just me, or does it seem like she never did this? I have nothing against being an admin's assistant, only that it's not what I want to do. I feel that it wouldn't be something I'd be good at.

Today, I was expecting a call on whether or not I got a seasonal job at Best Buy. I didn't get one. So does this mean no? (I laugh sadly) When interviewing he asked me where he could place me and I said anywhere. Maybe that wasn't a firm enough answer? This is the second time I've been put off by them... Is there any department I couldn't work in? Appliances, maybe.

Oh well. I have to get the hell out of this funk and hunt down some more leads... And try not to sleep so long. Easier said than done -- it's my sisters weekend off and I like being 'out of her way'.

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