QotD: Beam Me Up

If you could make a magic wish for a futuristic gadget or high-tech innovation, what would your item do? 
Submitted by Red Pen.

    Well, I guess it would be a swiss army sort of appliance.  It's first use would be a "mate indicator" where it would tell give the the statistical probabilities we'd have be able to sustain some sort of connection.  This would effectively save me valuable time otherwise wasted on twits like the ones who had made my life miserable.  Perhaps it'd be a two part system singles could use to hack through the otherwise dense jungle of losers.  Just imagine if it could filter through those who're committed or married or those who are looking for "their imaginary prince" because they have lofty, and sometimes pretentious standards, people seeking one night stands -- unless otherwise stipulated that it's what you're looking for and everyone's favorite -- the psycho soon-to-be ex.  Such a device will never exist for if it were to be programmed by it's users, we'd work to circumvent certain mechanisms that might put us out of play.
    It would also play MP3's, organize your meetings, press and starch your pants, remove stains, have tetris installed and dispense breath mints just when you least expected you needed one.